Over the long weekend I turned 27 and, in-between munching on fine foods at a beachside location, I also moved into my new apartment. In doing so I have driven away from a year of my life spent predominantly in a space I’ve nicknamed “the smash repairs”.

Now, I don’t have a car nor have I been in a car accident, but after talking to a friend who recently has, it made me realise that the fall-out mechanically after a crash is not that different from the metaphoric smash repairs. That is, a stage in life when you repair yourself after life smashed you around a bit. 

For anyone who has ever crashed, the smash repairs can be a startling place to end up. Sometimes it can take months just to get your head around what happened. As in life there are many different types of cars, varying degrees of accidents, and reasons that people end up there.

Sometimes you are even towed by someone who isn’t speaking the same language!

When it comes to the smash repairs there are two distinctive stages that can be summed up by its name; the smash and then the repair, or as scientists would put it, the cause and the effect.

In life and on the roads there are all types of crashes people experience and they happen for a variety of reasons. But I think ultimately the cause is always the same. A lack of love is life’s replacement for the wrong type of fuel. 

For some it was a freak accident, something they just were not expecting. For others it had been coming like a hooning SUV accelerating into a sharp corner on a wet road with broken headlights. Then there are people who were just going so fast they never read the signs. Some are even fatal and something dies as a consequence.

Then in the aftermath people search for the cause…

On the outskirts it’s always pinned to a condition. Drink driving, drug driving, speeding, road rage, overtaking, not paying attention, immaturity, or a simple mistake. The effect of these clearly varies so when people enter the smash repairs you tend to experience a variety of mindsets. There are some who were driving, others who were the passengers; but the perpetrators and the victims are all heaped together wanting answers.

Some are so overwhelmed with grief, and yet others don’t show a hint of regret. Some want to get out as soon as possible so they drive off with a smashed bonnet, while others have been there for years and don’t intend on leaving. Some people have insurance so they are not fussed about what they hit or who hits them; they drive in, get tuned up and drive away.

Others who have broken down unexpectedly on their way to somewhere they thought would be exciting, take weeks before they stop kicking the side of the car. With hands on their heads they say to every person they speak to, “I don’t know why this happened?”

And others just can’t be there so they hire  a rental car  until they are ready to return and look at it through fresh eyes solo.

But sadly there are always those of total carnage; the type of smash so big that people take photos of it and it makes the front-page news. These cars are mangled. They have lost something unfairly and they are sick with grief and a host of other emotions at such an intensity they never knew was possible.

The smash repairs are a great place to learn patience with yourself and others, as much of it is not what you expected.

And then comes the EFFECT.

People want to know why. Why it happened, are you alive, are you hurt or did you hurt someone else? How could you have done that, how could I have done that?

In the repair many people are haunted by what they were like before the smash, both good and bad.

Maybe you and your life look completely different now. Maybe you are filled with anger about having lost something you think wasn’t supposed to be taken. Or possibly you never realised you had any effect on anything until, on impact, you realise how much you have impacted someone else’s life. 

And so there you are. It’s normally three little parts that will keep your engine stuffed. These are guilt, resentment and fear.

Many people feel guilty about not having handled the crash as well as they think they should have, while others resent the fact it ever happened in the first place. Perhaps they are just so afraid to say or do anything in case they crash again.

Then there is the blame and shame. You blame yourself, you blame someone else, you blame God, your dog, your friends, drugs, drink, and a ninety-year-old nanna who stole your ice cream when you were three (you’ve since never got over it). In the end it won’t do anything except keep you running on empty.

Shame does nothing for change.

But you know what? Fuck them off if you want to keep driving. Even if you have suffered from something incomprehensible, no one is worth giving up the power of your mind.
 
Spending your life riddled with wanting yourself or people to pay, as well as hating them, will never get back what was taken. It takes and then it steals anything you could gain.

Sometimes faith makes you want to yell, “Fuck you!” So do that, then have another crack the next day.

Before the smash I used to live in fear of the simple things. Why? They didn’t seem that simple…

Now I love the smash. Because quite simply I don’t think I would have got it any other way. I lost a lot but I gained a part of me that values something that can never be taken: My happiness, my self, and my mind.

The only thing that we as humans can run our engines on happily is love. Trust, faith and love. Once you have those for yourself life does become simple – even when externally it’s not.   You notice sunsets, it is even possible to find happiness by paying your phone bill on time! 

The crash taught me it didn’t have to be so complicated.

There is no power in force - unless you plan on hitting something (which doesn’t feel good on either side)

Email me, Emma-Kate Dobbin
editor@tootstar.com